How I Know What I Nightmare I Am..

The only way to fix a friendship is to try – Winnie The Pooh

I have come to the startling realization  that I am far too quick to fly off the handle. I take the hump quite  very easily – I know that a lot of the time I am not an easy person to be around. Bizarrely though, a big part of my psyche is to try and please people all the time, therefore my frustration and hump-taking normally stems from people around me not treating me the same way that I have treated them. I get stung, retreat, and rarely give people a second chance. Hence why I seem to plow through friendships at a rate of knots with little or nothing left behind to salvage.

It would be so easy for me to say that it is always the other persons fault, that they were the ones who made a mistake and I was the victim of some injustice. But it’s simply not true. I constantly self-sabotage and I honestly can’t think why I do it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, I am blessed with people who put up with me and maybe sometimes even enjoy my company! I just know that with many less close friends I am someone who is good for coffee, rarely for lunch and never as an evening companion…I know (hope?) this isn’t just because of me, but because after a while of someone saying no, people stop asking.

I know that my choice in career has severely hindered the development of my social life, it always has and unfortunately is how the Wonderful World of Hospitality is. Until fairly recently I was ok with this. But in the last few months, I guess since I have been writing this, I have had the chance to read a prolonged effort of how I feel day to day. And it’s a little shocking really. How many time I have written about how I hate my life or certain aspects of it, how I’m lonely, how I wish I could change things..but yet I have done nothing about the way that I am feeling, I have stayed sat on my fat ass wishing, hoping and praying that things will change. The absurd thing is the more I fall in love with my job (daily..more and more), the more I am hating my personal life. Where do you draw the line? When do you say enough is enough?

It’s me again. I need someone to be my friend, someone who won’t run away. – Lilo, Lilo and Stitch

As I think has been shown over the past few months, this is the platform where I have found my voice. I don’t have to tell people how I am feeling, I can just write it all down..if no one reads this I don’t care because it’s out there and someone can at some point stumble across what I have written and may connect with a few words that I have put out into the universe. However, all I ever seem to do is complain and I think I need to remember things that I need to be happy about, how fortunate I am in the grand scheme of things (inspired in part by 1000 awesome things) So. Here goes. 5 major things I need to remember when I am wallowing.

  1. My family. No words. Blessed.
  2. I am in full time employment. In a job I adore. With people who are easy to work with. I know enough to know that all of these things are a rarity.
  3. My health. Yes I am a fat bitch BUT ultimately (and as far as I am aware) everything is in working order and TOUCH A LARGE AMOUNT OF WOOD I haven’t ever had to go through any kind of health scare.
  4. My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in July. In a world where divorce rates are, in 2012, between 40% and 50% for first time marriages, I find this thought inordinately soothing and it makes me hopeful for the future.
  5. I am only 26. I am a speck in time. I have a lot of life to live, and by jove I need to start doing it!

Never say no to anything. This is the motto of both my grandmas, strong independent busy women who take every day as a gift. I need to stop wimping out. I am still looking for my lost joie de vivre and confidence; if anyone knows where I lost it I would be much obliged.

Ultimately I am lazy and I need to be chivvied along to do things, but I also need to kick myself every day into meeting new people and filling my life with new experiences. If I don’t expand my horizons, surely I am going to shrink into myself, until I end up like a soul captured by Ursula in the Little Mermaid.

I need to go to bed. I feel better for writing this. I know I may have lost my focus but it does feel good to get these thoughts out of my head and somewhere for me to revisit, maybe when things are perfect..

Zxxx

Daily weekly monthly loves to my long lost girls, you are too far away (MMB..July..Counting)

Retreating to a world where one day my Prince will come

Missing the boys who keep me sane

Loving this tune, and this is taking me back to my youth because of this

Obsessing over Some ECards