Operation Zoë…mk II

I’m back…..a year or so older…muddier hair, better skin, muchly in love, a more rounded person in every sense of the word.

15lbs down in 8 weeks. But I missed weigh in this week because I knew I’d put on weight. No more self righteousness for me. If I didn’t go, it didn’t happen…right? Wrong!

If you haven’t read my ramblings before…welcome. If you have…why return?!

More from me to come…an outlet is needed and I love spewing my thoughts into the ether, if no one reads this it doesn’t matter, I just like having put something of myself out there.

Zx

Monday, Bloody Monday

 

UGH!!!!!! The wagon is so far ahead of me since I fell off it on Thursday I need to hitch a ride to catch it up.

I started 12 days of annual leave last Wednesday and went up to Windermere on Thursday. It’s so peaceful up there I love it. However, going up there means one thing only – eating. And as much as I wanted to stick to and count my ProPoints, I just couldn’t. I had ice cream, I had steak and chips, I had far too much wine and to round it off I went to a ball on Saturday where the food was so awful I drank more wine to compensate. I ate all day yesterday and today have been eating chocolate. Water is defeating me and I hated the way I looked on Saturday, fat shiny fat face.

I’m not trying to make excuses but I find it super difficult when I’m at home a lot of the time because it is a house filled with food! Having a brother like I do means that he has to eat pretty much all the time and although my will power was super strong right now I’m a bit ambivalent towards everything. I will start strong tomorrow morning, until Saturday where it is the BarBeDew and all hell will no doubt break loose. I have to bake a bazillion cakes, try getting through that without eating some of the batter!!

So, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start the day with cereal as I have been doing for the past two weeks, I’ll have some fruit and yoghurt mid morning then probably a massive salad somewhere for lunch. Unsure what we are having in the evening, but I really need to concentrate on this, it’s for my benefit after all, no one else’s. It’s up to me to make this change – no one else is going to give a shit about if I have lost weight, I’m the one it ultimately is affecting so GO ZO!

The other thing I need to remember is that I started the C25K programme last week and am – shock horror – actually enjoying it so far?! I went out last night in the wind and the rain and it was invigorating to have a purpose to keeping fit. I start week two tomorrow which ups the running time – I am hoping that at some point this year I will be able to do a sponsored run or something? I don’t know! It has definitely helped having a running partner and I need to realise  that doing all of this isn’t a quick fix, it is a change for life and these positive changes I am making will ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

I know it is a bit of a serious one today. I found this blog today which is so inspirational. I don’t think that I will ever want to do a marathon or iron man (iron woman?!) but knowing that there are others who have been there and found it hard makes me see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Weigh in and measurements tomorrow. GA!

Being told over the weekend some home truths hurt me, but I know that I will be a stronger person because of it and who knows when I am at that dream weight maybe I will meet my prince? Here’s hoping…

Zx

Tuesday Newsday

..aka how my week has gone!

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment

Brilliant news!! So so pleased with myself!!

Yes I do feel I have the right to be a little bit smug today. Especially as I think it now validates the £44 I spent in Asda on WW products yesterday :/

This week has been quite quiet. I enjoyed my night in Manchester with Patsy, highlights included awkward turtle, horse semen, lesbos, HELLO WE ARE SOBER and Patsy’s comedy fall. Good times 🙂

Pleased to say that although I was more careful with what I was drinking I didn’t limit myself. And at breakfast (during which there appeared to be a monsoon happening outside!) I managed to abstain from the butter and the hollandaise and stuck to eggs on toast with a very healthy smoothie 🙂

Cravings have been quite hard this week, but I know that my body is getting used to the new way of eating. I haven’t felt hungry and I haven’t missed chocolate (nothing for a week now, or crisps!) I just am learning to substitute.

Having breakfast has also helped a lot, cereal and eggs (although not together..!) can’t beat them.

So yeah, as you can tell from the upbeat tone of this post I am very happy.

Other reasons to be joyful this week:

  • 6.5 days left at work till I’m on “me ‘olidays”
  • Mrs T2B coming to visit on Thursday
  • The knowledge that I have the next 3 Sundays off work
  • New car searching is my new addiction – yesterday it was Beetles, today Minis…
  • Ted is coming out SOON – if you haven’t seen the trailer you need to watch THIS (NSFW!)
  • Magic Mike is out even sooner (Channing! Alex! Joe! Matthew! Matt! Gaa!)

This is just a quick post today as am at work and I need to go back to making shizzle happen, but I had to share me joyous news before the feeling disappears!! I will probably write some more tonight.

Love, Peace and Low Fat Cheese Spread,

Z xx

How In 11 Months Time…

…I’ll be glad I started today.

Once more, dear friends, once more into the breach I go. Weight watchers this time, in order to feel fabulous for Little J (not so little anymore she growed up..and soon to be Mrs J. Or S. Weird!) and her Willie’s wedding. I was hit with the blinding realisation last night that this momentous occasion is 11 months to this very day and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the token fat one yet again. I have put on all but 2.5lbs of the weight that I lost in the first few months of the year. Tut Tut ZD, Tut Tut.

2 weeks ago me, Mrs T2B and Long Distance Bridesmaid headed to the fair (not so fair on this particular day) city of  Manchester to try on some bridesmaids dresses. It wasn’t to fine “the one”, per say, but to find a style that will suit all of the girls. I’m the shortest and biggest, LDB is probably the tallest and around the same dress size as 2 of the others. So it’s no mean feat trying to find a style that suits us all!

Something to think about Mrs T2B!

Yes there are 18 months to go before Mrs T2B marries the wonderful Mr T, but it’s never too soon to start. What the day held in store was laughs (satin is a no go for everyone), disappointment (bridesmaids dresses that aren’t satin are hard to find and black is nigh on impossible) and, on my part, frustration. I lost count of how many times I said “Well, I’ll try it on to give you an idea but it wont fit me”. Not one dress that I tried on would do up. And I had the super attractive nude sucky inny pants on. Mortifying.

This occasion calls for really big knickers

I know that it’s all my own doing. I know that I am lazy and that I need to make positive changes. Which I am now doing. Mrs T2B has lost a phenomenal amount of weight for the amount of time she has been on WW (please don’t go too far..) and looks fabulous, BFF has done the same, now it’s my turn. 3 years ago, at G’s 21st I look so happy, this is what I need to get back too – goodbye land of photos taken from above to hide the double chin, see ya putting cushions in front of me when I sit down, sayonara wearing blazers everytime I go out just so no one sees my arms. I am done.

So. I will be updating this more regularly, with a post every Tuesday to see how I’m getting on, then daily posts with little things that have made me smile or kept me going. These will be themed..I’ll have to get thinking of some witty names!

Matthe McConaughey. Why the hell not.

Failure to Launch is on, what a film.

Anywho. Manchester on Friday woo-ahoo! 14 days till holidays woo-ahoo! Then it’s Lakes, Ball, Lakes, BarBeDew…fabulous darling.

TTFN

Zxxxx

How I Know What I Nightmare I Am..

The only way to fix a friendship is to try – Winnie The Pooh

I have come to the startling realization  that I am far too quick to fly off the handle. I take the hump quite  very easily – I know that a lot of the time I am not an easy person to be around. Bizarrely though, a big part of my psyche is to try and please people all the time, therefore my frustration and hump-taking normally stems from people around me not treating me the same way that I have treated them. I get stung, retreat, and rarely give people a second chance. Hence why I seem to plow through friendships at a rate of knots with little or nothing left behind to salvage.

It would be so easy for me to say that it is always the other persons fault, that they were the ones who made a mistake and I was the victim of some injustice. But it’s simply not true. I constantly self-sabotage and I honestly can’t think why I do it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, I am blessed with people who put up with me and maybe sometimes even enjoy my company! I just know that with many less close friends I am someone who is good for coffee, rarely for lunch and never as an evening companion…I know (hope?) this isn’t just because of me, but because after a while of someone saying no, people stop asking.

I know that my choice in career has severely hindered the development of my social life, it always has and unfortunately is how the Wonderful World of Hospitality is. Until fairly recently I was ok with this. But in the last few months, I guess since I have been writing this, I have had the chance to read a prolonged effort of how I feel day to day. And it’s a little shocking really. How many time I have written about how I hate my life or certain aspects of it, how I’m lonely, how I wish I could change things..but yet I have done nothing about the way that I am feeling, I have stayed sat on my fat ass wishing, hoping and praying that things will change. The absurd thing is the more I fall in love with my job (daily..more and more), the more I am hating my personal life. Where do you draw the line? When do you say enough is enough?

It’s me again. I need someone to be my friend, someone who won’t run away. – Lilo, Lilo and Stitch

As I think has been shown over the past few months, this is the platform where I have found my voice. I don’t have to tell people how I am feeling, I can just write it all down..if no one reads this I don’t care because it’s out there and someone can at some point stumble across what I have written and may connect with a few words that I have put out into the universe. However, all I ever seem to do is complain and I think I need to remember things that I need to be happy about, how fortunate I am in the grand scheme of things (inspired in part by 1000 awesome things) So. Here goes. 5 major things I need to remember when I am wallowing.

  1. My family. No words. Blessed.
  2. I am in full time employment. In a job I adore. With people who are easy to work with. I know enough to know that all of these things are a rarity.
  3. My health. Yes I am a fat bitch BUT ultimately (and as far as I am aware) everything is in working order and TOUCH A LARGE AMOUNT OF WOOD I haven’t ever had to go through any kind of health scare.
  4. My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in July. In a world where divorce rates are, in 2012, between 40% and 50% for first time marriages, I find this thought inordinately soothing and it makes me hopeful for the future.
  5. I am only 26. I am a speck in time. I have a lot of life to live, and by jove I need to start doing it!

Never say no to anything. This is the motto of both my grandmas, strong independent busy women who take every day as a gift. I need to stop wimping out. I am still looking for my lost joie de vivre and confidence; if anyone knows where I lost it I would be much obliged.

Ultimately I am lazy and I need to be chivvied along to do things, but I also need to kick myself every day into meeting new people and filling my life with new experiences. If I don’t expand my horizons, surely I am going to shrink into myself, until I end up like a soul captured by Ursula in the Little Mermaid.

I need to go to bed. I feel better for writing this. I know I may have lost my focus but it does feel good to get these thoughts out of my head and somewhere for me to revisit, maybe when things are perfect..

Zxxx

Daily weekly monthly loves to my long lost girls, you are too far away (MMB..July..Counting)

Retreating to a world where one day my Prince will come

Missing the boys who keep me sane

Loving this tune, and this is taking me back to my youth because of this

Obsessing over Some ECards

How I Need Some Positive Thinking

One Day...

I have gained this week. I don’t know why. Bar going out last weekend, it’s been an ok week I guess. No heating has made me want to eat to get warm! But apart from that..who knows. Portion control and walking the dogs are my buzz actions for the coming week.

I enjoyed seeing the old Team Squuures last night. Always a pleasure! Slow’s all engaged, Are Ya Well is fabulous as always and SWill…..legend. End of.

However the photos of me are truly horrible. I can’t get my head around the fact that what I see in the mirror is not what I present to the world.

At home my hair looked lustrous and bouncy, in the photos it looks lank and knotty. My face has gotten so fat and it’s just horrible. I need to get it into my head that I do  actually look like the picture I have of me in my head. And I need to do something about this!

This week I shall mostly be working. However Without A K provides some light relief. 2 wedding weekend again, but then it will only be a week till I am off. 2 weeks today I will be in the heavenly bliss of the Lake District which is certainly something that I am counting down to. I really hope that I get to spend more time up there this year. It soothes me.

Just a quick post tonight, 12 hours sleep in 48 is catching up with me…I so can’t wait to hit that snooze button on Tuesday morning!

Zx

Loving: This ladys music, why isn’t there anywhere up here that has vintagey old-fashioned parties?! This song in particular is ace.

Silver Lining:If it hadn’t been for this in the last week I would not have survived.

Crushington City: Uhhhhh well…yuh huh duh chuh! Obviously. Also this was sent to me by an old friend and really made me chuckle!

Weekly mwah mwahs: BFF (you know I’m here xx), Patsy (Power Ballads without me and I still love ya), BFFSIL (big things coming your way), SeeJayGee (#newgirlfriends!), Mrs T2B (yaaaaaaaaaaay new housie!), WonderWifey (Just..cuz.). Oh and small loves to Grumpy Bear (I may have found a you work replacement, only taken me a year!)

How I Realised I Am Only 26

I have enjoyed the last week. To an extent. Going back to work was a bit laborious but am off tomorrow so I plan on doing nothing all day!

I went out last night in town. I vowed after the Christmas Eve Eve debacle that I would not be going out in Preston for a considerable amount of time, but after last Friday with Bro and his friends when I really enjoyed myself I decided that I needed to branch out and be a normal 26 year old.

For the most part I really enjoyed last night. It was lovely to be with my friends and catch up, we haven’t been out in ages. I got to have a huge heart to heart with someone that maybe I don’t know as well as I should and it was really therapeutic. This was after an angry stomp to get away from a situation that was making me ridiculously het up.

I love my girlfriends; I would do anything for them. But for some reason I just don’t really get on with girls that well. I have a few girl friends that have been in my life for a long time and that ill never change. But I always fall out with those who  maybe haven’t been there for that long. Hence why I tend to move through friendship groups at a lightening speed.

Life is so much easier with lads – there is no underhanded-ness, there is no backstabbing, no double meaning, no talking behind their backs. Sure most men are worst gossips than girls but it isn’t malicious, just being nosey.

I reached the end of the road last night and I think I will have to draw a line under that part of my life. It’s sad, but I’m not going to waste my time with people who make me feel like shit and undermine me at every opportunity. I may have less people on my team, but at least I know they are people who would do anything for me.

I have lost 3.5lbs this week – back on track woohoo! I can kind of feel a difference in my clothes but I don’t know if I am willing myself to feel differently rather than it being genuinely true. People told me last night that I look great and that I don’t need to do what I am doing to validate myself but as I have said before that is not the reason I am doing this.

I’m scared that I will end up living alone with a thousand cats, 30 stone and unable to move. I don’t want that life for myself, I want to be able to run up the stairs to grab something or dance on a night out without getting out of breath. I don’t want to have a heart attack or be diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes because I am overweight. I have no intention of being super skinny, far from it, I just want my BMI to be in the healthy range and at the moment I have a way to go. I’ll get there though.

This week I don’t have that much planned. I’m booking a hotel for Amsterdam tomorrow with BFF, how bloody exciting. Then working all week, 2 wedding weekend the first of the year. Brilliant! But the highlight of my week has to be the thought of a seemingly annual Team Squuures night out on Saturday. Moving up the world we are visiting Forum..oo er?!

Ranting over. Next post more fluffy bunnies..promise.

Zxx

How A Week Makes A Difference

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power – Alan Cohen

So I have just had 9 days off from work, diet..life. I have loved it. I have spent time with my fabulous family, namely in the Motherland of Welsh Wales with my Nannie, my heroine and idol. I had a great time catching up and “potchin’” with her. It came and went all too soon, it’s like a haven down there and I love it.

I also got to catch up with Mrs T2B and spoke at length about the total jealousy that I have going on in regards to her and Mr T moving into their new house in just over a week’s time. She is desperately trying to convince me that I would be able to afford to do the same, alas, until I have a lot more money coming in this is not something that will be on my horizon in the near future. Part of me thinks “Fuck it, just go and rent, it’s good enough for the French…” but then it’s the whole thing of owning a piece of bricks and mortar. Meh. I don’t know.

My mum and I (and my dad) have spent the best part of 2 weeks trying to keep my brother from finding out we were throwing him a small soiree for his birthday (and to cheer him up a little). This happened on Friday night and bravo to everyone involved he didn’t have a clue. His friend, S#2, took him up the road for a pint and my parents jollied around getting furniture out fo the way – I was obviously preening and pampering as I need AT LEAST an hour for full shower hair and make up sesh!

Everyone had arrived and as always congregated in the kitchen, whilst we waited for my dad to arrive back with the boys. In the worst move in surprise party history, we hadn’t anticipated what to do when he actually walked in. So we ended up just standing there in silence as he walked in, said “What the fuck?!” and then walked round and said hello to everyone. AWKWARD TURTLES ALL ROUND!

The awkwardness aside I ended up having a really good time. Got to spend time with family friends and the BFF (wish you’d come out with up 😦 ) and see my brother genuinely made up that people had bothered to take the time to do this for him. I went out with him, his friends and one of their girlfriends, town was dead and I had a fantastic night. Desperados and Jagerbombs all round….ahem. Hopefully I’ll be able to join them again soon.

This week I have let go. I have eaten and drunk whatever the hell I wanted, not only because it’s my holiday and I’ll do what the bloody hell I like but also because I wanted to see what would happen. I have put on 5 pounds – nearly half of what I had lost. This is gutting, but what I expected.

I will be continuing on Monday, firstly with a goal to lose that 5lbs, but also I would like to have lost 1 stone 9lbs by 17th March..I know that seems a weird figure but it would mean I’m in the next “band” if you will, it’s a goal anyway.

Even though I have been doing this for 5 weeks now, I don’t physically look like I’ve lost that much. I think because I was a stone heavier to begin with than the last time I started a program, hopefully I will now start to see a difference.

Buying size 20s in Primark does not encourage the healthy lifestyle, but buying a top from Miss Selfridge that I wore on Friday was certainly encouraging. This is why I don’t judge my weight loss on clothes fitting me as some of my friends do – one day I’m a 14 the next I’m a 20 – how is that even possible?!

Onwards, to the next stage. Back at work tomorrow. Hopefully with a more positive attitude than when I left a week last Friday 🙂

Zx

Song for today – My Boo, Friends. Getting obsessed with this band, they really remind me of Do Me Bad Things. And this cover version is faboooosh.

Video of the day – In honour of the Superbowl

Requests – Grumpy Bear pleeeeease lets catch up, Patsy another night like last Saturday please (champagne bar and m20? YES!), BFF book a hotel for Amsterdam!!!

Love Love Love – This whole trend (thanks BFFSIL!)

xxx

How I Love My New Book

“We’re constantly changing facts, rewriting history to make things easier, to make them fit in with our preferred version of events. We do it automatically. We invent memories. Without thinking. If we tell ourselves something happened often enough we start to believe it, and then we can actually remember it.”
― S.J. Watson, Before I Go to Sleep

I scare myself sometimes that I can’t remember things. Reading Before I Go To Sleep at the moment and it’s an amazing book. I gasp every time I turn the page. (Well, metaphorically turn the page; in reality I am clicking the button on my Kindle!). It’s scary what the human body is capable of, although I have not finished the book yet it’s very interesting in terms of long term and short term memory.

I am amazing with dates and names. This is useful in my job when I have to know if we have a wedding booked on a certain date, or who is booked on which date. I can say, with a large amount of certainty, whether I will be able to be free on a Saturday in April to go and party (Yes, to the first 2..!). However, my long term memory is shot at. My school life is a blur to me, which is worrying seeing as I spent 13 years (shite, half my life!) in primary and secondary education.

I loved primary school. It was so much fun, I was lucky the school I went to was excellent stood me in good stead for the rest of my education. I would like to think that the reason for my lack of specific memories is because I was young. Every day in my mind was sunny, we got to play on the top field every single lunch time and most of my days were spent doing arts and crafts. In my head anyway.

Secondary school was a different story. I was one of the lucky few who were deemed good enough to attend the nearest grammar school. The only thing I wanted when I was 11 was to be away from the annoying and disgusting boys I had been to primary school with, so off to the all-girls school I went.

Years 7-9 were fine. It was when I turned 15 I began to get restless. Living 20+ miles away from school let alone any potential friends was a nightmare. I am forever thankful to my parents for ferrying me around, but in reality it was just horrible. No one was that bothered about inviting me anywhere as it would mean me having to get a long bus and then stay over which was just hassle all round. Once the reprobates from the boys’ school got involved it was just horrendous, I began to hate my life and was so unhappy I just needed to get out of there.

Part of me regrets leaving the school for 6th form, lord knows that had I stayed my A levels would have been amazing and therefore my university work ethic would have been far better. But leaving to go to a different 6th form with the people who have ended up being my closest friends was the best decision that I have ever made. Academically it was the worst, but going to HGS made me the person I am today. Which some may consider a bad thing, I think it’s pretty awesome really.

The strange thing is I can’t really remember specifics about school life. I can’t remember why I hated it so much – I really enjoyed the academic challenges that were thrown my way and I was able to push my brain to my limits, certainly I miss using my brain now and I know the education I had built the foundations for skills that I have now – but socially, I can’t remember any incidents that made me really unhappy. Have I made this feeling up in my head to make me feel better about my decision to leave? Or have I locked away the horrible memories in order to protect myself from getting upset about them?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to this. But I do worry that if I can’t remember things now, what will I be like in 30, 40, 50 years’ time? I hope that I can keep this writing up; hopefully it’ll help jog my memory in years to come!

I know I haven’t written much this week. Mainly because nothing has really happened. My life seems to have ground to a halt; everyone is busy or doesn’t want to do anything. The bad news keeps on coming; everything is crossed and crossed again to hang on for good news. Surely nothing else can go wrong?

I have written off January. Fabulous February is where it’s at. I hope. I hate my girls are spread over the country because I miss them so much it hurts.

Hmm. Bah.

Oh, I definitely recommend this book. It is un-put-downable.

Zx

Get in my life: Mrs B, Grumpy Bear, Reedy, Li’l J, Chindian, Jolls

Loving: Paul Nicholls is in Law and Order now. SWOON!

Crushing on: Simon Cowell circa 1992

Vowing: to book my train tickets this week

Song of the day: Lose Yourself – Eminem (Thank you. You know who you are)

 

How I Think It’s Time For Some Good Vibes

How do I climb up on out of this funk I’m in? – Sam Sparro

Life is sucky. These last few weeks it seems to be one thing after another for bad news, had some more today.  Maybe not news that has affected me personally, but just bad news that upsets the people around me.

I hope the universe has some fricking good shit around the corner for me and mine, please some engagements, marriages and babies in the pipeline for us to celebrate! 2012 has not got off to the amazing start that I had hoped.

Have been off today so have mainly been making soup and lounging around. Favourite activities! Soup was sweet potato and chilli; it has a definite kick to it, yum scrum. I don’t have another 9am start until Saturday – what bliss!

I am currently watching The Vicar of Dibley, I needed some joyful goodness crap, and I think I will follow it with a bit of Bridget (a staple for Patsy –aka Granny Pants – and me. Nothing like Bridget to get me out of a funk.

Was supposed to meet the Policeman and BFF tomorrow but it is not to be as they are meeting early and I am working till 9pm. I miss them both and I hate that I don’t get to see them half as much as I would like, but the Boy especially. Fricking restrictive career choice. I hope our trip to NZ comes off. We think we’ll be the most perfect travelling partners as we know when to leave each other alone. And we have a mutual appreciation for The Boosh and The Conchords.

BFF and I are off to Amsterdam in March so we shall discover then if we can travel together, I think we’ll be ok. We need to book a hotel ASAP; any suggestions send them this way as we are both totally clueless as to where we need to go!

Patsy and I are busy planning the #lostweekend that will take place at the end of January. Grill on the Alley, Harvey Nicks and Crazy Wendy’s are being bandied about, all of which are super appealing to little old me. Can’t wait for staycation…2 weekends, 4 late nights and 1 wedding to go!

Diet has been hard today; I think the problem is that when I’m at home on my day off all I want to do is eat. And eat. And eat. Turns out we didn’t eat all of the Christmas food that Mummy Dearest bought, I haven’t made a start on it but now I know it’s there I will probably turn to it in some moment of weakness.

Hence my plan to just not be in the house! Or to be in bed when I am in the house…I need plans and I need them fast! Cinema this weekend – methinks that carrot sticks and plain popcorn may have to be smuggled in, I am after all a sucker for picnmix. Going to relish Fri, Sat and Sun night’s off-bliss.

Please be sending positive vibes out into the world whenever you can, you never know when you’re going to be needing them back…

Totes La’erz

Zx

All loves to: The Policeman, Patsy, Grumpy Bear, BFF

Song of the Day: When I’m Alone – Lissie

Quote of the day: “Come the fuck on, Bridget”

Hoping: I get to see people soon.

Must: Book my train tickets tomorrow!!