“We’re constantly changing facts, rewriting history to make things easier, to make them fit in with our preferred version of events. We do it automatically. We invent memories. Without thinking. If we tell ourselves something happened often enough we start to believe it, and then we can actually remember it.”
― S.J. Watson, Before I Go to Sleep
I scare myself sometimes that I can’t remember things. Reading Before I Go To Sleep at the moment and it’s an amazing book. I gasp every time I turn the page. (Well, metaphorically turn the page; in reality I am clicking the button on my Kindle!). It’s scary what the human body is capable of, although I have not finished the book yet it’s very interesting in terms of long term and short term memory.
I am amazing with dates and names. This is useful in my job when I have to know if we have a wedding booked on a certain date, or who is booked on which date. I can say, with a large amount of certainty, whether I will be able to be free on a Saturday in April to go and party (Yes, to the first 2..!). However, my long term memory is shot at. My school life is a blur to me, which is worrying seeing as I spent 13 years (shite, half my life!) in primary and secondary education.
I loved primary school. It was so much fun, I was lucky the school I went to was excellent stood me in good stead for the rest of my education. I would like to think that the reason for my lack of specific memories is because I was young. Every day in my mind was sunny, we got to play on the top field every single lunch time and most of my days were spent doing arts and crafts. In my head anyway.
Secondary school was a different story. I was one of the lucky few who were deemed good enough to attend the nearest grammar school. The only thing I wanted when I was 11 was to be away from the annoying and disgusting boys I had been to primary school with, so off to the all-girls school I went.
Years 7-9 were fine. It was when I turned 15 I began to get restless. Living 20+ miles away from school let alone any potential friends was a nightmare. I am forever thankful to my parents for ferrying me around, but in reality it was just horrible. No one was that bothered about inviting me anywhere as it would mean me having to get a long bus and then stay over which was just hassle all round. Once the reprobates from the boys’ school got involved it was just horrendous, I began to hate my life and was so unhappy I just needed to get out of there.
Part of me regrets leaving the school for 6th form, lord knows that had I stayed my A levels would have been amazing and therefore my university work ethic would have been far better. But leaving to go to a different 6th form with the people who have ended up being my closest friends was the best decision that I have ever made. Academically it was the worst, but going to HGS made me the person I am today. Which some may consider a bad thing, I think it’s pretty awesome really.
The strange thing is I can’t really remember specifics about school life. I can’t remember why I hated it so much – I really enjoyed the academic challenges that were thrown my way and I was able to push my brain to my limits, certainly I miss using my brain now and I know the education I had built the foundations for skills that I have now – but socially, I can’t remember any incidents that made me really unhappy. Have I made this feeling up in my head to make me feel better about my decision to leave? Or have I locked away the horrible memories in order to protect myself from getting upset about them?
I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to this. But I do worry that if I can’t remember things now, what will I be like in 30, 40, 50 years’ time? I hope that I can keep this writing up; hopefully it’ll help jog my memory in years to come!
I know I haven’t written much this week. Mainly because nothing has really happened. My life seems to have ground to a halt; everyone is busy or doesn’t want to do anything. The bad news keeps on coming; everything is crossed and crossed again to hang on for good news. Surely nothing else can go wrong?
I have written off January. Fabulous February is where it’s at. I hope. I hate my girls are spread over the country because I miss them so much it hurts.
Oh, I definitely recommend this book. It is un-put-downable.
Get in my life: Mrs B, Grumpy Bear, Reedy, Li’l J, Chindian, Jolls
Loving: Paul Nicholls is in Law and Order now. SWOON!
Crushing on: Simon Cowell circa 1992
Vowing: to book my train tickets this week
Song of the day: Lose Yourself – Eminem (Thank you. You know who you are)