Monday, Bloody Monday

 

UGH!!!!!! The wagon is so far ahead of me since I fell off it on Thursday I need to hitch a ride to catch it up.

I started 12 days of annual leave last Wednesday and went up to Windermere on Thursday. It’s so peaceful up there I love it. However, going up there means one thing only – eating. And as much as I wanted to stick to and count my ProPoints, I just couldn’t. I had ice cream, I had steak and chips, I had far too much wine and to round it off I went to a ball on Saturday where the food was so awful I drank more wine to compensate. I ate all day yesterday and today have been eating chocolate. Water is defeating me and I hated the way I looked on Saturday, fat shiny fat face.

I’m not trying to make excuses but I find it super difficult when I’m at home a lot of the time because it is a house filled with food! Having a brother like I do means that he has to eat pretty much all the time and although my will power was super strong right now I’m a bit ambivalent towards everything. I will start strong tomorrow morning, until Saturday where it is the BarBeDew and all hell will no doubt break loose. I have to bake a bazillion cakes, try getting through that without eating some of the batter!!

So, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start the day with cereal as I have been doing for the past two weeks, I’ll have some fruit and yoghurt mid morning then probably a massive salad somewhere for lunch. Unsure what we are having in the evening, but I really need to concentrate on this, it’s for my benefit after all, no one else’s. It’s up to me to make this change – no one else is going to give a shit about if I have lost weight, I’m the one it ultimately is affecting so GO ZO!

The other thing I need to remember is that I started the C25K programme last week and am – shock horror – actually enjoying it so far?! I went out last night in the wind and the rain and it was invigorating to have a purpose to keeping fit. I start week two tomorrow which ups the running time – I am hoping that at some point this year I will be able to do a sponsored run or something? I don’t know! It has definitely helped having a running partner and I need to realise  that doing all of this isn’t a quick fix, it is a change for life and these positive changes I am making will ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

I know it is a bit of a serious one today. I found this blog today which is so inspirational. I don’t think that I will ever want to do a marathon or iron man (iron woman?!) but knowing that there are others who have been there and found it hard makes me see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Weigh in and measurements tomorrow. GA!

Being told over the weekend some home truths hurt me, but I know that I will be a stronger person because of it and who knows when I am at that dream weight maybe I will meet my prince? Here’s hoping…

Zx

How I Need Some Positive Thinking

One Day...

I have gained this week. I don’t know why. Bar going out last weekend, it’s been an ok week I guess. No heating has made me want to eat to get warm! But apart from that..who knows. Portion control and walking the dogs are my buzz actions for the coming week.

I enjoyed seeing the old Team Squuures last night. Always a pleasure! Slow’s all engaged, Are Ya Well is fabulous as always and SWill…..legend. End of.

However the photos of me are truly horrible. I can’t get my head around the fact that what I see in the mirror is not what I present to the world.

At home my hair looked lustrous and bouncy, in the photos it looks lank and knotty. My face has gotten so fat and it’s just horrible. I need to get it into my head that I do  actually look like the picture I have of me in my head. And I need to do something about this!

This week I shall mostly be working. However Without A K provides some light relief. 2 wedding weekend again, but then it will only be a week till I am off. 2 weeks today I will be in the heavenly bliss of the Lake District which is certainly something that I am counting down to. I really hope that I get to spend more time up there this year. It soothes me.

Just a quick post tonight, 12 hours sleep in 48 is catching up with me…I so can’t wait to hit that snooze button on Tuesday morning!

Zx

Loving: This ladys music, why isn’t there anywhere up here that has vintagey old-fashioned parties?! This song in particular is ace.

Silver Lining:If it hadn’t been for this in the last week I would not have survived.

Crushington City: Uhhhhh well…yuh huh duh chuh! Obviously. Also this was sent to me by an old friend and really made me chuckle!

Weekly mwah mwahs: BFF (you know I’m here xx), Patsy (Power Ballads without me and I still love ya), BFFSIL (big things coming your way), SeeJayGee (#newgirlfriends!), Mrs T2B (yaaaaaaaaaaay new housie!), WonderWifey (Just..cuz.). Oh and small loves to Grumpy Bear (I may have found a you work replacement, only taken me a year!)

How I Came To Write This Blog

Hello.

My name is Zoë.

I am 26 and after 9 months of writing a blog for workI decided I would like to try my hand at writing my own piece of stuff on t’internet.

I know it’s very hard to begin a blog without some kind of focus. The focus of this blog has been eating (ha!) away at for some time. I guess all my life really.

I am overweight. Fat. Chubby. Big. On the large side, a bloater, roly poly, not as tall as I am wide.

This has been the case for all my life really. It would be very easy to blame my mum and dad and say they never said no, but that wouldn’t be true. I was sneaky. I would gauge how much food was available for all and ensure I got the biggest possible share. I would take 3 biscuits when I was only really allowed 1. I always finished my plate and always always hung around for pudding and never said no to a drink and toast before

Coupled with a complete hatred of P.E. at school (not easy when the school in question was a county hockey legend) – if they’d had a pool I like to think it was a different story but that is neither here or there I grew upwards and outwards and just accepted that I was never to be one of the smaller girls. I was the funny one, everyone’s friend, no one’s girlfriend…but what the heck? You’ve got to take what you can get.

My overly large physique has never particularly bothered me. No, I can’t really ever buy clothes from TopShop. Yes, I get bored by shopping because trying things on is so frustrating. Yes, a massive part of my fear of rollercoasters is due to the face that I’m scared that I won’t fit in the seats. But. It’s me. It’s always been me. It’s never put me off wearing what I want to, or going out in ridiculous outfits *ahembacklesswondersahem* just because it’s the fashion. I was always the girl who said “Yes. You can be happy and fat.”

So. What changed?

Fast forward to 2011. 2 years since I shed 2 stone for the beautiful Wonder Wifey’s wedding (after which I still didn’t fit into the beautiful bridesmaid’s dress-fucking Warehouse sizing!). I was faced with redundancy and losing the job that I had invested so much in over the last five years (in a restaurant, eating whatever the hell the chefs cared to make me – again not good for my constitution) and no idea what I was going  to do with my life.

The Beautiful LS let me know of the possibility of a Trainee Event Manager position where she worked which was handy as she was about to embark on her own adventure teaching in Spain.  After a sequence of events with A that I like to call “The Back and Forth Emails”, I was offered the position. That was in March 2011 and I began the first week of April. That was it – finally doing the job that I had trained for and dreamed about for 8 years.

I love my job. I mean, you know people say that and you don’t really think that they mean it and they are only saying that because they feel they should? That isn’t me. I LOVE MY JOB! Yes there are couples that I would rather not see too often, but when it comes to their big day if I can help to make it go without a hitch then it gives me massive warm and fuzzies.

The only reason that I have not chained myself to the venue and had it tattooed on my forehead? My eating habits. I eat all day. I sit behind a desk and eat chocolate and biscuits and drink coffee with sugar and pies for lunch with crisps and toast laden with butter. It is a nightmare of my own volition. Which, I believe is truly avoidable with some light discipline from yours truly.

Cut to last night, New Year’s Eve. I had already decided to start this blog in the New Year, but at midnight, when I found myself sobbing into a half drunk bottle of champagne about the fact that I was 26, alone and with nothing to look forward to I knew that it had to start this week. I realised that I was the one holding myself back, not seeing friends because I dont fit into any of my clothes anymore and I don’t want them to think I am some sort of pig. I want to be happy again, I want to find someone who makes me happy, I want to be that person that everyone wants to be with and a leader not a follower. I need to take a stand and be my own person. To get back my confidence and find my fun factor. All of this starts with feeling better about ME!

So, in a very roundabout way, that is why I am writing this blog. I am starting my regime tomorrow, Monday 2nd January 2012 (I didn’t start today as I knew a hangover day to start a diet is really not advisable). Exercise 5 days a week – I will be starting to run, (hopefully with the help of BFFSIL) 5 days a week, with my days off from work being rest days,  and decent eating. I know you have to do both, I need to make the change and I hope it will be one for the better.

My first goal is 17th March – a wedding at work that is close to the bone for a mixture of reasons but more of that nearer the time.

As I have said on my title – and to quote a friend of mine SeeJayGee – It’s not about losing weight it’s about not looking fat anymore.

I promise not all posts will be this long but it has been very cathartic!

Over and out on the eve of the new me

Zx