Monday, Bloody Monday

 

UGH!!!!!! The wagon is so far ahead of me since I fell off it on Thursday I need to hitch a ride to catch it up.

I started 12 days of annual leave last Wednesday and went up to Windermere on Thursday. It’s so peaceful up there I love it. However, going up there means one thing only – eating. And as much as I wanted to stick to and count my ProPoints, I just couldn’t. I had ice cream, I had steak and chips, I had far too much wine and to round it off I went to a ball on Saturday where the food was so awful I drank more wine to compensate. I ate all day yesterday and today have been eating chocolate. Water is defeating me and I hated the way I looked on Saturday, fat shiny fat face.

I’m not trying to make excuses but I find it super difficult when I’m at home a lot of the time because it is a house filled with food! Having a brother like I do means that he has to eat pretty much all the time and although my will power was super strong right now I’m a bit ambivalent towards everything. I will start strong tomorrow morning, until Saturday where it is the BarBeDew and all hell will no doubt break loose. I have to bake a bazillion cakes, try getting through that without eating some of the batter!!

So, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start the day with cereal as I have been doing for the past two weeks, I’ll have some fruit and yoghurt mid morning then probably a massive salad somewhere for lunch. Unsure what we are having in the evening, but I really need to concentrate on this, it’s for my benefit after all, no one else’s. It’s up to me to make this change – no one else is going to give a shit about if I have lost weight, I’m the one it ultimately is affecting so GO ZO!

The other thing I need to remember is that I started the C25K programme last week and am – shock horror – actually enjoying it so far?! I went out last night in the wind and the rain and it was invigorating to have a purpose to keeping fit. I start week two tomorrow which ups the running time – I am hoping that at some point this year I will be able to do a sponsored run or something? I don’t know! It has definitely helped having a running partner and I need to realise  that doing all of this isn’t a quick fix, it is a change for life and these positive changes I am making will ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

I know it is a bit of a serious one today. I found this blog today which is so inspirational. I don’t think that I will ever want to do a marathon or iron man (iron woman?!) but knowing that there are others who have been there and found it hard makes me see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Weigh in and measurements tomorrow. GA!

Being told over the weekend some home truths hurt me, but I know that I will be a stronger person because of it and who knows when I am at that dream weight maybe I will meet my prince? Here’s hoping…

Zx

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How A Week Makes A Difference

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power – Alan Cohen

So I have just had 9 days off from work, diet..life. I have loved it. I have spent time with my fabulous family, namely in the Motherland of Welsh Wales with my Nannie, my heroine and idol. I had a great time catching up and “potchin’” with her. It came and went all too soon, it’s like a haven down there and I love it.

I also got to catch up with Mrs T2B and spoke at length about the total jealousy that I have going on in regards to her and Mr T moving into their new house in just over a week’s time. She is desperately trying to convince me that I would be able to afford to do the same, alas, until I have a lot more money coming in this is not something that will be on my horizon in the near future. Part of me thinks “Fuck it, just go and rent, it’s good enough for the French…” but then it’s the whole thing of owning a piece of bricks and mortar. Meh. I don’t know.

My mum and I (and my dad) have spent the best part of 2 weeks trying to keep my brother from finding out we were throwing him a small soiree for his birthday (and to cheer him up a little). This happened on Friday night and bravo to everyone involved he didn’t have a clue. His friend, S#2, took him up the road for a pint and my parents jollied around getting furniture out fo the way – I was obviously preening and pampering as I need AT LEAST an hour for full shower hair and make up sesh!

Everyone had arrived and as always congregated in the kitchen, whilst we waited for my dad to arrive back with the boys. In the worst move in surprise party history, we hadn’t anticipated what to do when he actually walked in. So we ended up just standing there in silence as he walked in, said “What the fuck?!” and then walked round and said hello to everyone. AWKWARD TURTLES ALL ROUND!

The awkwardness aside I ended up having a really good time. Got to spend time with family friends and the BFF (wish you’d come out with up 😦 ) and see my brother genuinely made up that people had bothered to take the time to do this for him. I went out with him, his friends and one of their girlfriends, town was dead and I had a fantastic night. Desperados and Jagerbombs all round….ahem. Hopefully I’ll be able to join them again soon.

This week I have let go. I have eaten and drunk whatever the hell I wanted, not only because it’s my holiday and I’ll do what the bloody hell I like but also because I wanted to see what would happen. I have put on 5 pounds – nearly half of what I had lost. This is gutting, but what I expected.

I will be continuing on Monday, firstly with a goal to lose that 5lbs, but also I would like to have lost 1 stone 9lbs by 17th March..I know that seems a weird figure but it would mean I’m in the next “band” if you will, it’s a goal anyway.

Even though I have been doing this for 5 weeks now, I don’t physically look like I’ve lost that much. I think because I was a stone heavier to begin with than the last time I started a program, hopefully I will now start to see a difference.

Buying size 20s in Primark does not encourage the healthy lifestyle, but buying a top from Miss Selfridge that I wore on Friday was certainly encouraging. This is why I don’t judge my weight loss on clothes fitting me as some of my friends do – one day I’m a 14 the next I’m a 20 – how is that even possible?!

Onwards, to the next stage. Back at work tomorrow. Hopefully with a more positive attitude than when I left a week last Friday 🙂

Zx

Song for today – My Boo, Friends. Getting obsessed with this band, they really remind me of Do Me Bad Things. And this cover version is faboooosh.

Video of the day – In honour of the Superbowl

Requests – Grumpy Bear pleeeeease lets catch up, Patsy another night like last Saturday please (champagne bar and m20? YES!), BFF book a hotel for Amsterdam!!!

Love Love Love – This whole trend (thanks BFFSIL!)

xxx

How I Love My New Book

“We’re constantly changing facts, rewriting history to make things easier, to make them fit in with our preferred version of events. We do it automatically. We invent memories. Without thinking. If we tell ourselves something happened often enough we start to believe it, and then we can actually remember it.”
― S.J. Watson, Before I Go to Sleep

I scare myself sometimes that I can’t remember things. Reading Before I Go To Sleep at the moment and it’s an amazing book. I gasp every time I turn the page. (Well, metaphorically turn the page; in reality I am clicking the button on my Kindle!). It’s scary what the human body is capable of, although I have not finished the book yet it’s very interesting in terms of long term and short term memory.

I am amazing with dates and names. This is useful in my job when I have to know if we have a wedding booked on a certain date, or who is booked on which date. I can say, with a large amount of certainty, whether I will be able to be free on a Saturday in April to go and party (Yes, to the first 2..!). However, my long term memory is shot at. My school life is a blur to me, which is worrying seeing as I spent 13 years (shite, half my life!) in primary and secondary education.

I loved primary school. It was so much fun, I was lucky the school I went to was excellent stood me in good stead for the rest of my education. I would like to think that the reason for my lack of specific memories is because I was young. Every day in my mind was sunny, we got to play on the top field every single lunch time and most of my days were spent doing arts and crafts. In my head anyway.

Secondary school was a different story. I was one of the lucky few who were deemed good enough to attend the nearest grammar school. The only thing I wanted when I was 11 was to be away from the annoying and disgusting boys I had been to primary school with, so off to the all-girls school I went.

Years 7-9 were fine. It was when I turned 15 I began to get restless. Living 20+ miles away from school let alone any potential friends was a nightmare. I am forever thankful to my parents for ferrying me around, but in reality it was just horrible. No one was that bothered about inviting me anywhere as it would mean me having to get a long bus and then stay over which was just hassle all round. Once the reprobates from the boys’ school got involved it was just horrendous, I began to hate my life and was so unhappy I just needed to get out of there.

Part of me regrets leaving the school for 6th form, lord knows that had I stayed my A levels would have been amazing and therefore my university work ethic would have been far better. But leaving to go to a different 6th form with the people who have ended up being my closest friends was the best decision that I have ever made. Academically it was the worst, but going to HGS made me the person I am today. Which some may consider a bad thing, I think it’s pretty awesome really.

The strange thing is I can’t really remember specifics about school life. I can’t remember why I hated it so much – I really enjoyed the academic challenges that were thrown my way and I was able to push my brain to my limits, certainly I miss using my brain now and I know the education I had built the foundations for skills that I have now – but socially, I can’t remember any incidents that made me really unhappy. Have I made this feeling up in my head to make me feel better about my decision to leave? Or have I locked away the horrible memories in order to protect myself from getting upset about them?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to this. But I do worry that if I can’t remember things now, what will I be like in 30, 40, 50 years’ time? I hope that I can keep this writing up; hopefully it’ll help jog my memory in years to come!

I know I haven’t written much this week. Mainly because nothing has really happened. My life seems to have ground to a halt; everyone is busy or doesn’t want to do anything. The bad news keeps on coming; everything is crossed and crossed again to hang on for good news. Surely nothing else can go wrong?

I have written off January. Fabulous February is where it’s at. I hope. I hate my girls are spread over the country because I miss them so much it hurts.

Hmm. Bah.

Oh, I definitely recommend this book. It is un-put-downable.

Zx

Get in my life: Mrs B, Grumpy Bear, Reedy, Li’l J, Chindian, Jolls

Loving: Paul Nicholls is in Law and Order now. SWOON!

Crushing on: Simon Cowell circa 1992

Vowing: to book my train tickets this week

Song of the day: Lose Yourself – Eminem (Thank you. You know who you are)

 

How The Mighty Have Fallen

 And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am – Michelle Obama

I am not an easy person to get on with. You have to work your ticket with me. I don’t like to waste my time with people and as such I have a slight reputation for being a bitch. It was well known at my old place of work that I didn’t bother with anyone new until they’d been there at least a month; my attitude was (and if I’m brutally honest still is) if you aren’t going to stick around then why should I spend time getting to know you?

I have quite a list of people that I have fallen out with over the years. Some stand out more than others. All were female – go figure. I love my girlfriends but its I’m definitely a girl who gets on better with boys. I miss my boys now I don’t see them as much anymore, but all the better when we do get to catch up.

High school was pretty rubbish, so “not me”. All girls, all high achieving and fiercely competitive. I fell somewhere in the middle, I wasn’t naughty so wasn’t on teachers radars, yet wasn’t the cleverest so again they weren’t that bothered with me. Coupled with living 20 miles away (which seems nothing now but at the time an hour on a bus was too far for a social life!) I just hated my time there.

I did meet some lovely girls and now and again I do wish I’d kept in contact with more of them but when I left I pretty much severed all contact with everyone I knew there. Bar bumping into people in random places from time to time and being “Facebook Friends” with a few it’s a part of my life that just isn’t on my radar anymore.

There was one girl, however , that I will never forget. No matter who I tried to be friends with she was always flitting around. She supposedly was getting jiggy with an older married man, which now seems ridiculous, but she was just always there undermining me.

And I hated her. Like really really hated her, it got to a point where I couldn’t even speak to her which was hard when we had every class together. She was one of the main reasons I left to go to another school for 6th form.

 Imagine my delight walking into my local last week and seeing her working behind the bar…as my mum loves to say “bide your time..they’ll get theirs”. And it looks like she has! The joy I got in seeing her there was indescribable. I didn’t stay long enough to find out what she was doing there, whether it was a second job or her only job, but for once it wasn’t me to whom people were saying “So…what do you want to do in life?” (as I was so frequently asked at the restaurant!).

This post is turning into quite the hateful rant so time for a bit of love..if it hadn’t been for a small group of friends who adopted me I wouldn’t have survived. “The Broughton Girls” as they were lovingly known really did change my mid teen years; if it wasn’t for them I’d have been so unhappy.

But thanks to the endless sleepovers at GB and BFF’s houses and birthday parties at Guys Court and of course the infamous party to celebrate the end of GCSEs where someone ended up in a pond I muddled through and headed off the 6th form with them a happy little ZD.

Fast forward to uni and my ex housemate. How I fell into the same group as this girl I will never know, she was hideous. But I couldn’t break away from her. It makes me really sad that because of the breakdown in our relationship I don’t speak to the girl who was the first proper friend I made at Loughborough. She caused trouble wherever she went, she broke up friendships, she cheated on her boyfriend and had us all cover for her, she changed people.

However because of this grotbag I have my London Ladies who I adore and again they were my sanctuary. So every cloud I guess…last I heard she was working in a dead end job and leeching off the boyfriend she is still with, having never graduated from uni. Bravo.

What I’m trying to say is that even if I sometimes seem abrasive, I’m rarely wrong about people. If I get a weird vibe off you, I will back away because I know at some point you will cause me trouble. I used to be all about the drama, but now I just want an easy life with lovely people, and this means not cluttering my world with toxic friendships.

It’s been a while since someone like this entered my life; I like to think it is because my radar is so finely tuned (but it’s more likely because I haven’t met anyone new for a while!). Whoever crosses me will get theirs. Often with very little meddling from me.

Today has been a good day. I have baked a cake, my favourite hobby. I also have the joy of another day off tomorrow and a Saturday night off. Not much more I could ask for! No walking today as it is a rest day but I’ll be back on it tomorrow. First weigh in on Sunday – my beef stew went down rather well this evening lets hope I can stay away from the pie at the meal out tomorrow night!

Off to torture myself with Celeb Big Bro now, what Z listers are in it this year?!

Schnogs

Zx

Lovely People: Granny Pants, Beav, Li’l J (We will talk soon I promise!), huge loves to BFf today xoxo

Nostalgic For: House parties and punch

Daily Lust: Gotta be Douglas Booth, even though he is just a baby..(coughdewgarcough)

Music for the moment: Right Back Where We Started From, Maxine Nightingale

How My First Day Went

“Calling someone fat doesn’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. All you can do in life is try and solve the problem in front of you” – Mean Girls  (Just for you CL)

 

First of all, it was very remiss of me to forget to thank you for taking a few minutes of your time to read my musings on life. I hope that it doesn’t make you think any differently of me, but maybe it will help you understand me a little more!

So onwards. Today, Monday 2nd January 2012, has been the first day of the rest of my life (I hope). It did not start well. I overslept, meaning my well planned breakfast of porridge and banana had to fall by the way side and be replaced by a coffee to go (in my lovely new thermos) and a banana on the run. It is not easy to drive with a thermos and a banana in a Ford Ka with no cup holders. I will not be doing it again.

Luckily I had quite a lot to do at work as we were shut yesterday, so my mind was kept off lunch until I had to head out to but tealights of all things (for a show round that then promptly cancelled!) I got back to work and couldn’t hold out any longer so called lunch time. Jacket potato and beans followed by some gorgeous limited edition yoghurt thing, seriously yummy! Sounds like a pretty decent lunch and it would have been had it not been for the fact that the microwave at work is temperamental at the best of times, so eventually I chowed down.

 It’s amazing, normally because I go for the faster food option I am hungry but 4pm but because I took my time I was good till I got home from work. I also had my trusty bag of satsumas by my side all day so if I did want a snack I could, but I only had one mid-morning.

When I got home, my lovely mummy was waiting with 2 gorgeous dogs ready to be walked. I quickly got changed, grabbed my iPod, my pristine trainers that have never seen a pavement in their life and an overly excited Bertie Dog. Off we went “round the block”. We walked the whole way at a fairly brisk pace and it took us 15 minutes. I then dropped the dog off and carried on with my iPod and the podcast I downloaded last night which aims to increase your running stamina. I found it enormously helpful however my stamina is awful!! I didn’t finish the recording, but I know where I had to stop, and next time I go out with it (Wednesday) I know where I have to push past.

I haven’t eaten my evening meal yet, but it is chicken stew thing which is basically a thick chicken soup in the way it has been made. I also always need bread with this dish, but it’ll be fine!

I have also downloaded “My Fitness Pal” for my phone, writing down everything that I am ingesting is massively eye opening especially as all the calories are there in black and white. For instance when I roughly added together yesterdays food without alcohol included I was 250 calories over my daily intake without factoring in the chocolates or wine I had consumed. I currently have 668 calories left for the day which is nice to know!

I had quite a few messages from some friends yesterday saying that they never knew I had ever felt the way I do, or congratulations for putting myself out there. I have to make it clear that I am not unhappy or sad in myself, only with the way I look which I know is rather shallow of me, but hey who cares. I’m doing this for myself, no one else, which hasn’t really happened before. I want to keep a record so when I have a bad day I can go back to a good day and see what I need to do differently.

To place the quote I have used for today’s post into my life, the problem in front of me is a life of struggling to run up the stairs or dash to the kitchen at work when someone has the wrong starter at work. I need to do this to change my life and my outlook on life.

As for “putting myself out there”, even after one post I felt liberated – I would recommend this blogging lark to anyone, even if it is anonymous and no one reads it, you are putting your feelings out into the universe which means that they are the universe’s problems to deal with and not yours anymore.

Onto a night of Carry On and Made In Chelsea. Spencer YES!

Zx

Loves to my peeps: CL, the Policeman, Rancid, Beav, BFFSIL and Granny Pants

Hoping: #raveinacave is when I’m off work

Hating: how the temperature has dropped – socks AND tights tomorrow at work I think!

Wishing: I had something planned for the time I have just booked off

Needing: to buy tickets for my trip to LDN in March (I promise I’ll bring both shoes this time)

Song for the day: Hip To Be Square, Huey Lewis and the News

How I Came To Write This Blog

Hello.

My name is Zoë.

I am 26 and after 9 months of writing a blog for workI decided I would like to try my hand at writing my own piece of stuff on t’internet.

I know it’s very hard to begin a blog without some kind of focus. The focus of this blog has been eating (ha!) away at for some time. I guess all my life really.

I am overweight. Fat. Chubby. Big. On the large side, a bloater, roly poly, not as tall as I am wide.

This has been the case for all my life really. It would be very easy to blame my mum and dad and say they never said no, but that wouldn’t be true. I was sneaky. I would gauge how much food was available for all and ensure I got the biggest possible share. I would take 3 biscuits when I was only really allowed 1. I always finished my plate and always always hung around for pudding and never said no to a drink and toast before

Coupled with a complete hatred of P.E. at school (not easy when the school in question was a county hockey legend) – if they’d had a pool I like to think it was a different story but that is neither here or there I grew upwards and outwards and just accepted that I was never to be one of the smaller girls. I was the funny one, everyone’s friend, no one’s girlfriend…but what the heck? You’ve got to take what you can get.

My overly large physique has never particularly bothered me. No, I can’t really ever buy clothes from TopShop. Yes, I get bored by shopping because trying things on is so frustrating. Yes, a massive part of my fear of rollercoasters is due to the face that I’m scared that I won’t fit in the seats. But. It’s me. It’s always been me. It’s never put me off wearing what I want to, or going out in ridiculous outfits *ahembacklesswondersahem* just because it’s the fashion. I was always the girl who said “Yes. You can be happy and fat.”

So. What changed?

Fast forward to 2011. 2 years since I shed 2 stone for the beautiful Wonder Wifey’s wedding (after which I still didn’t fit into the beautiful bridesmaid’s dress-fucking Warehouse sizing!). I was faced with redundancy and losing the job that I had invested so much in over the last five years (in a restaurant, eating whatever the hell the chefs cared to make me – again not good for my constitution) and no idea what I was going  to do with my life.

The Beautiful LS let me know of the possibility of a Trainee Event Manager position where she worked which was handy as she was about to embark on her own adventure teaching in Spain.  After a sequence of events with A that I like to call “The Back and Forth Emails”, I was offered the position. That was in March 2011 and I began the first week of April. That was it – finally doing the job that I had trained for and dreamed about for 8 years.

I love my job. I mean, you know people say that and you don’t really think that they mean it and they are only saying that because they feel they should? That isn’t me. I LOVE MY JOB! Yes there are couples that I would rather not see too often, but when it comes to their big day if I can help to make it go without a hitch then it gives me massive warm and fuzzies.

The only reason that I have not chained myself to the venue and had it tattooed on my forehead? My eating habits. I eat all day. I sit behind a desk and eat chocolate and biscuits and drink coffee with sugar and pies for lunch with crisps and toast laden with butter. It is a nightmare of my own volition. Which, I believe is truly avoidable with some light discipline from yours truly.

Cut to last night, New Year’s Eve. I had already decided to start this blog in the New Year, but at midnight, when I found myself sobbing into a half drunk bottle of champagne about the fact that I was 26, alone and with nothing to look forward to I knew that it had to start this week. I realised that I was the one holding myself back, not seeing friends because I dont fit into any of my clothes anymore and I don’t want them to think I am some sort of pig. I want to be happy again, I want to find someone who makes me happy, I want to be that person that everyone wants to be with and a leader not a follower. I need to take a stand and be my own person. To get back my confidence and find my fun factor. All of this starts with feeling better about ME!

So, in a very roundabout way, that is why I am writing this blog. I am starting my regime tomorrow, Monday 2nd January 2012 (I didn’t start today as I knew a hangover day to start a diet is really not advisable). Exercise 5 days a week – I will be starting to run, (hopefully with the help of BFFSIL) 5 days a week, with my days off from work being rest days,  and decent eating. I know you have to do both, I need to make the change and I hope it will be one for the better.

My first goal is 17th March – a wedding at work that is close to the bone for a mixture of reasons but more of that nearer the time.

As I have said on my title – and to quote a friend of mine SeeJayGee – It’s not about losing weight it’s about not looking fat anymore.

I promise not all posts will be this long but it has been very cathartic!

Over and out on the eve of the new me

Zx