Monday, Bloody Monday

 

UGH!!!!!! The wagon is so far ahead of me since I fell off it on Thursday I need to hitch a ride to catch it up.

I started 12 days of annual leave last Wednesday and went up to Windermere on Thursday. It’s so peaceful up there I love it. However, going up there means one thing only – eating. And as much as I wanted to stick to and count my ProPoints, I just couldn’t. I had ice cream, I had steak and chips, I had far too much wine and to round it off I went to a ball on Saturday where the food was so awful I drank more wine to compensate. I ate all day yesterday and today have been eating chocolate. Water is defeating me and I hated the way I looked on Saturday, fat shiny fat face.

I’m not trying to make excuses but I find it super difficult when I’m at home a lot of the time because it is a house filled with food! Having a brother like I do means that he has to eat pretty much all the time and although my will power was super strong right now I’m a bit ambivalent towards everything. I will start strong tomorrow morning, until Saturday where it is the BarBeDew and all hell will no doubt break loose. I have to bake a bazillion cakes, try getting through that without eating some of the batter!!

So, tomorrow. Tomorrow I will start the day with cereal as I have been doing for the past two weeks, I’ll have some fruit and yoghurt mid morning then probably a massive salad somewhere for lunch. Unsure what we are having in the evening, but I really need to concentrate on this, it’s for my benefit after all, no one else’s. It’s up to me to make this change – no one else is going to give a shit about if I have lost weight, I’m the one it ultimately is affecting so GO ZO!

The other thing I need to remember is that I started the C25K programme last week and am – shock horror – actually enjoying it so far?! I went out last night in the wind and the rain and it was invigorating to have a purpose to keeping fit. I start week two tomorrow which ups the running time – I am hoping that at some point this year I will be able to do a sponsored run or something? I don’t know! It has definitely helped having a running partner and I need to realise  that doing all of this isn’t a quick fix, it is a change for life and these positive changes I am making will ultimately make me a stronger person in the long run.

I know it is a bit of a serious one today. I found this blog today which is so inspirational. I don’t think that I will ever want to do a marathon or iron man (iron woman?!) but knowing that there are others who have been there and found it hard makes me see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Weigh in and measurements tomorrow. GA!

Being told over the weekend some home truths hurt me, but I know that I will be a stronger person because of it and who knows when I am at that dream weight maybe I will meet my prince? Here’s hoping…

Zx

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How I Know What I Nightmare I Am..

The only way to fix a friendship is to try – Winnie The Pooh

I have come to the startling realization  that I am far too quick to fly off the handle. I take the hump quite  very easily – I know that a lot of the time I am not an easy person to be around. Bizarrely though, a big part of my psyche is to try and please people all the time, therefore my frustration and hump-taking normally stems from people around me not treating me the same way that I have treated them. I get stung, retreat, and rarely give people a second chance. Hence why I seem to plow through friendships at a rate of knots with little or nothing left behind to salvage.

It would be so easy for me to say that it is always the other persons fault, that they were the ones who made a mistake and I was the victim of some injustice. But it’s simply not true. I constantly self-sabotage and I honestly can’t think why I do it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, I am blessed with people who put up with me and maybe sometimes even enjoy my company! I just know that with many less close friends I am someone who is good for coffee, rarely for lunch and never as an evening companion…I know (hope?) this isn’t just because of me, but because after a while of someone saying no, people stop asking.

I know that my choice in career has severely hindered the development of my social life, it always has and unfortunately is how the Wonderful World of Hospitality is. Until fairly recently I was ok with this. But in the last few months, I guess since I have been writing this, I have had the chance to read a prolonged effort of how I feel day to day. And it’s a little shocking really. How many time I have written about how I hate my life or certain aspects of it, how I’m lonely, how I wish I could change things..but yet I have done nothing about the way that I am feeling, I have stayed sat on my fat ass wishing, hoping and praying that things will change. The absurd thing is the more I fall in love with my job (daily..more and more), the more I am hating my personal life. Where do you draw the line? When do you say enough is enough?

It’s me again. I need someone to be my friend, someone who won’t run away. – Lilo, Lilo and Stitch

As I think has been shown over the past few months, this is the platform where I have found my voice. I don’t have to tell people how I am feeling, I can just write it all down..if no one reads this I don’t care because it’s out there and someone can at some point stumble across what I have written and may connect with a few words that I have put out into the universe. However, all I ever seem to do is complain and I think I need to remember things that I need to be happy about, how fortunate I am in the grand scheme of things (inspired in part by 1000 awesome things) So. Here goes. 5 major things I need to remember when I am wallowing.

  1. My family. No words. Blessed.
  2. I am in full time employment. In a job I adore. With people who are easy to work with. I know enough to know that all of these things are a rarity.
  3. My health. Yes I am a fat bitch BUT ultimately (and as far as I am aware) everything is in working order and TOUCH A LARGE AMOUNT OF WOOD I haven’t ever had to go through any kind of health scare.
  4. My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in July. In a world where divorce rates are, in 2012, between 40% and 50% for first time marriages, I find this thought inordinately soothing and it makes me hopeful for the future.
  5. I am only 26. I am a speck in time. I have a lot of life to live, and by jove I need to start doing it!

Never say no to anything. This is the motto of both my grandmas, strong independent busy women who take every day as a gift. I need to stop wimping out. I am still looking for my lost joie de vivre and confidence; if anyone knows where I lost it I would be much obliged.

Ultimately I am lazy and I need to be chivvied along to do things, but I also need to kick myself every day into meeting new people and filling my life with new experiences. If I don’t expand my horizons, surely I am going to shrink into myself, until I end up like a soul captured by Ursula in the Little Mermaid.

I need to go to bed. I feel better for writing this. I know I may have lost my focus but it does feel good to get these thoughts out of my head and somewhere for me to revisit, maybe when things are perfect..

Zxxx

Daily weekly monthly loves to my long lost girls, you are too far away (MMB..July..Counting)

Retreating to a world where one day my Prince will come

Missing the boys who keep me sane

Loving this tune, and this is taking me back to my youth because of this

Obsessing over Some ECards

How A Lot Of This Letter Applies Even Now.

I am not well. I don’t *do* being ill. I grumble and get on with it. However, this week it has just taken me over. I wasn’t right at work on Monday, I couldn’t concentrate and felt all woozy, and when I went to see Chicago last night (incidentally, fabulous) I couldn’t eat any of my meal. Got home last night and upchuck was everywhere. BRILLIANT! The worst thing is that I am missing Beave’s Hen Do tonight (I am so sorry, I wanted a limo ride and Beave masks 😦 Have some gin for me xx).

Have spent the day in bed, feeling sorry for myself, thinking about things. I have let this slide (cue chorus of I told you so’s) and maybe pledged allegiance to Pinterest. I lost my mojo. Then today I remembered the “Dear Me” project which I found a few years ago. It’s a book in which a handful of authors write a letter to their 16 year old self, advising and soothing. I found mine and thought I would share it today.

*********************************************************************

Dear Zoë

Do stick out this final year at school. I know you hate it right now, but the grades you end up getting make it worth it.

Do speak up when you know what you want to do with your life, and at university. It isn’t French.

Do say no to Rain/Echos/the Union once in a while. You won’t miss anything

Do make an effort to stay in touch with old friends.

Do make an effort with the Leyshon girls. They are the closest thing you have to sisters and its definitely worth having them onside as you’ll be seeing a lot more of them.

Do keep hold of your folders. When Sophie and Nat come round they create much amusement.

At the Leaver’s Doo in 2004, that thing you really really want to tell everyone…..do it if you feel it will change things, but 8 years down the line I can tell you it doesn’t.

Call your grandparents at least twice a week. Yes they whitter but it makes them very happy.

DON’T CUT OFF YOUR HAIR IN 2005!! It’ll take 4 years to get it to any sort of reasonable length, and even then you won’t be happy with it. Don’t go any blonder, don’t start straightening it and move to a side parting. Now!

Don’t spread gossip about work colleagues. In fact….steer clear of gossip altogether. Everything comes out in the end anyway.

Don’t get the taxi with Bruce at Christmas. It’s a move he pulls regularly.

At Jack’s 18th party find a small glass for your drink. Yes everyone else is drunk when you get there, but you’ll catch them up in your own sweet time. To this day you can’t touch peach schnapps.

John…..just go with it. It’ll break your heart but if you say yes at the first opportunity then you’ll have a lot more time to discover how very special a person he is.

Open up to your friends. They only want the best for you. And you can trust them. Doesn’t feel like it I know. But you can. Listen to them too. They deserve it.

Try to live with Jem/Anna/Jess in your second year. They’re the friends you’ll keep and you will want to kill the girls you think you want to live with.

When Mads is cursing boys in 3rd year, encourage her to go after that tall bloke from JCs. It all works out amazingly well, and you get to be bridesmaid.

Keep going with WW. I know February 2009 is a hard time to get through as your main cheerleader has gone, but he would have been the one cursing you for putting the weight back on, make him proud in his absence.

The crushes never stop coming but nothing comes of them….its important to have someone lovely to look at but don’t spend so much time infatuated. A lot of them you’ll be friends with later on, and then its just embarrassing!

Jane needs you. Be there every step of the way, it’s a rough couple’a years for her

All in all there aren’t many regrets your 24 year old self has. Just keep strong and stick to your principles. Speak your mind and maybe say no to a dessert once in a while. 24 year old you would like that!

As you can see…..straight and to the point still isn’t your thing. And unfortunately your indecisive nature doesnt get any better with time

Chill out and everything’s gonna work out just right.

Bo xx

p.s. Storage is invaluable. Encourage your parents, when they refurb in 2004, that you need heaps of storage space. Trust me on this one.

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The funny thing is, three years after writing this, I’m still kind of in the same place. Which makes me a little sad, that I haven’t really moved on. The coming week I shall dedicate to hedonism, BFF times and getting on the beers (once my stomach has settled and I can at least keep a mouthful of something from coming back up again), but as of 1st April, I shall restart. Promise.

And I need my friends, those who are reading this, to be harsh with me..I want to look ok this summer. And I can’t be happy with the way I look if I carry on the way that I am going.

Over, out, schnogs, blah

Zxxx

How The Mighty Have Fallen

 And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am – Michelle Obama

I am not an easy person to get on with. You have to work your ticket with me. I don’t like to waste my time with people and as such I have a slight reputation for being a bitch. It was well known at my old place of work that I didn’t bother with anyone new until they’d been there at least a month; my attitude was (and if I’m brutally honest still is) if you aren’t going to stick around then why should I spend time getting to know you?

I have quite a list of people that I have fallen out with over the years. Some stand out more than others. All were female – go figure. I love my girlfriends but its I’m definitely a girl who gets on better with boys. I miss my boys now I don’t see them as much anymore, but all the better when we do get to catch up.

High school was pretty rubbish, so “not me”. All girls, all high achieving and fiercely competitive. I fell somewhere in the middle, I wasn’t naughty so wasn’t on teachers radars, yet wasn’t the cleverest so again they weren’t that bothered with me. Coupled with living 20 miles away (which seems nothing now but at the time an hour on a bus was too far for a social life!) I just hated my time there.

I did meet some lovely girls and now and again I do wish I’d kept in contact with more of them but when I left I pretty much severed all contact with everyone I knew there. Bar bumping into people in random places from time to time and being “Facebook Friends” with a few it’s a part of my life that just isn’t on my radar anymore.

There was one girl, however , that I will never forget. No matter who I tried to be friends with she was always flitting around. She supposedly was getting jiggy with an older married man, which now seems ridiculous, but she was just always there undermining me.

And I hated her. Like really really hated her, it got to a point where I couldn’t even speak to her which was hard when we had every class together. She was one of the main reasons I left to go to another school for 6th form.

 Imagine my delight walking into my local last week and seeing her working behind the bar…as my mum loves to say “bide your time..they’ll get theirs”. And it looks like she has! The joy I got in seeing her there was indescribable. I didn’t stay long enough to find out what she was doing there, whether it was a second job or her only job, but for once it wasn’t me to whom people were saying “So…what do you want to do in life?” (as I was so frequently asked at the restaurant!).

This post is turning into quite the hateful rant so time for a bit of love..if it hadn’t been for a small group of friends who adopted me I wouldn’t have survived. “The Broughton Girls” as they were lovingly known really did change my mid teen years; if it wasn’t for them I’d have been so unhappy.

But thanks to the endless sleepovers at GB and BFF’s houses and birthday parties at Guys Court and of course the infamous party to celebrate the end of GCSEs where someone ended up in a pond I muddled through and headed off the 6th form with them a happy little ZD.

Fast forward to uni and my ex housemate. How I fell into the same group as this girl I will never know, she was hideous. But I couldn’t break away from her. It makes me really sad that because of the breakdown in our relationship I don’t speak to the girl who was the first proper friend I made at Loughborough. She caused trouble wherever she went, she broke up friendships, she cheated on her boyfriend and had us all cover for her, she changed people.

However because of this grotbag I have my London Ladies who I adore and again they were my sanctuary. So every cloud I guess…last I heard she was working in a dead end job and leeching off the boyfriend she is still with, having never graduated from uni. Bravo.

What I’m trying to say is that even if I sometimes seem abrasive, I’m rarely wrong about people. If I get a weird vibe off you, I will back away because I know at some point you will cause me trouble. I used to be all about the drama, but now I just want an easy life with lovely people, and this means not cluttering my world with toxic friendships.

It’s been a while since someone like this entered my life; I like to think it is because my radar is so finely tuned (but it’s more likely because I haven’t met anyone new for a while!). Whoever crosses me will get theirs. Often with very little meddling from me.

Today has been a good day. I have baked a cake, my favourite hobby. I also have the joy of another day off tomorrow and a Saturday night off. Not much more I could ask for! No walking today as it is a rest day but I’ll be back on it tomorrow. First weigh in on Sunday – my beef stew went down rather well this evening lets hope I can stay away from the pie at the meal out tomorrow night!

Off to torture myself with Celeb Big Bro now, what Z listers are in it this year?!

Schnogs

Zx

Lovely People: Granny Pants, Beav, Li’l J (We will talk soon I promise!), huge loves to BFf today xoxo

Nostalgic For: House parties and punch

Daily Lust: Gotta be Douglas Booth, even though he is just a baby..(coughdewgarcough)

Music for the moment: Right Back Where We Started From, Maxine Nightingale

How My Friends Constantly Surprise Me

“Compared to friendship, gold is dirt”

 

 I consider myself inordinately lucky to have my friends. I have little pockets scattered everywhere and it is pretty much ace. Not only that, but they continue to surprise me.

Take the one I work with who text me at 9pm this evening to ask if I’d like some porridge tomorrow for breakfast when we get into the office because she knows how I’m always running late (10 minutes late this morning – damn the kids being back at school and the bloody A6) and never have time for breakfast.

Or the one who signed my Christmas card xoxo Gossip Girl because of our mutual love for it. And there’s the one who has given me practical advice on the world of running without being horrendously patronising, the other one who came up with the TomScale™.

The one who introduced me to the other meaning of the word “juice” and the one who knows why Booths in Windermere is heaven.

None of the above will mean anything to anyone, but it all means something to me. Snippets of my life that stick in my head. I am not the most sociable of people (trying to improve this!) and I know that quite a lot of the time the excuse of work may not sit that well but it is the honest truth! I don’t even see my own house for as many hours as I would like a week!

What I’m trying to say is I’m sorry if it seems that sometimes I take our friendship for granted. I don’t. I just find it hard to show my appreciation sometimes – please take all of the above as a love letter to you, my friend. I love you, appreciate you, miss you and want to see you a whole lot more in 2012.

Today has been hard mainly because (and this sounds ridiculous) of the weather. The office at work is small and has windows 2 sides meaning with the weather warning worth gales on the Fylde coast it felt like we were on the inside of a washing machine all day.

This coupled with a freezing cold hall in which to eat our lunch meant that more than anything I wanted to be snacking on some rocky road bites from Tesco – I have become very familiar with the world of Tesco Express since I started working where I do.

I didn’t succumb though and stuck with my emergency satsumas. I managed to grab some porridge today because my lovely Mummy J was off work and made me some brekkie. (Yes I live at home, call my mother Mummy and I fricking love it). As previously mentioned the traffic was horrendous, but I got to work and was busy all morning.

Lunch was very cold but warmed up with some of the stew from last night and the standard banana and yoghurt pudding. I flew out of the door at 7 to come home to the 2 waiting pooches (sooo cute!)

Pushed myself out of the door to go on a walk – twice round the block today so walked for half an hour. I didn’t run today because a good friend has told me not to go too extreme so I will continue to run a day walk a day until I feel confident enough to run continuously.

Chilli for tea which was amazing. Still got some allowance left so thinking some rice pud next!

I know it’s pretty boring reading about my meals every day but I need to write them down otherwise I know I’ll begin to not record and cheat!

Have planned my first weekend off of the year at the end of the month – moving to Manchester for the weekend to be taken to the wilds of West Dids. How good a time I’ll allow myself to have will depend on my progress with this health kick!

Thank you so much for reading this and for the continued messages of support, it means the world to me and I will try and be funnier in the posts to come, with maybe some things to entertain!

It’s far too late for me to be up and I’ve just wasted an hour of my life watching the TV show “The Bank Job”, so time for me to head to my bed. Although….a Luke Wilson film has just started on Sky..hmm…tempting….

In the worlds of the mum of the BFF – I’ll see you Anon

Zx

Daily Loves go to – The Grumpy Bear, Li’l J, BFF, BFFSIL, Geeeeraffe

Favourite Hashtag of the Last 24 hours – #desribeyoursexlifewithamovie

Looking forward to – a catch up with a lovely little bundle of Bristolian-ness

Missing – old friends and bygone friendships

Wishing – I had some plans for the next few weeks!

Song of the day – Call It What You Want– Foster The People