How I Need Some Positive Thinking

One Day...

I have gained this week. I don’t know why. Bar going out last weekend, it’s been an ok week I guess. No heating has made me want to eat to get warm! But apart from that..who knows. Portion control and walking the dogs are my buzz actions for the coming week.

I enjoyed seeing the old Team Squuures last night. Always a pleasure! Slow’s all engaged, Are Ya Well is fabulous as always and SWill…..legend. End of.

However the photos of me are truly horrible. I can’t get my head around the fact that what I see in the mirror is not what I present to the world.

At home my hair looked lustrous and bouncy, in the photos it looks lank and knotty. My face has gotten so fat and it’s just horrible. I need to get it into my head that I do  actually look like the picture I have of me in my head. And I need to do something about this!

This week I shall mostly be working. However Without A K provides some light relief. 2 wedding weekend again, but then it will only be a week till I am off. 2 weeks today I will be in the heavenly bliss of the Lake District which is certainly something that I am counting down to. I really hope that I get to spend more time up there this year. It soothes me.

Just a quick post tonight, 12 hours sleep in 48 is catching up with me…I so can’t wait to hit that snooze button on Tuesday morning!

Zx

Loving: This ladys music, why isn’t there anywhere up here that has vintagey old-fashioned parties?! This song in particular is ace.

Silver Lining:If it hadn’t been for this in the last week I would not have survived.

Crushington City: Uhhhhh well…yuh huh duh chuh! Obviously. Also this was sent to me by an old friend and really made me chuckle!

Weekly mwah mwahs: BFF (you know I’m here xx), Patsy (Power Ballads without me and I still love ya), BFFSIL (big things coming your way), SeeJayGee (#newgirlfriends!), Mrs T2B (yaaaaaaaaaaay new housie!), WonderWifey (Just..cuz.). Oh and small loves to Grumpy Bear (I may have found a you work replacement, only taken me a year!)

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How A Week Makes A Difference

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power – Alan Cohen

So I have just had 9 days off from work, diet..life. I have loved it. I have spent time with my fabulous family, namely in the Motherland of Welsh Wales with my Nannie, my heroine and idol. I had a great time catching up and “potchin’” with her. It came and went all too soon, it’s like a haven down there and I love it.

I also got to catch up with Mrs T2B and spoke at length about the total jealousy that I have going on in regards to her and Mr T moving into their new house in just over a week’s time. She is desperately trying to convince me that I would be able to afford to do the same, alas, until I have a lot more money coming in this is not something that will be on my horizon in the near future. Part of me thinks “Fuck it, just go and rent, it’s good enough for the French…” but then it’s the whole thing of owning a piece of bricks and mortar. Meh. I don’t know.

My mum and I (and my dad) have spent the best part of 2 weeks trying to keep my brother from finding out we were throwing him a small soiree for his birthday (and to cheer him up a little). This happened on Friday night and bravo to everyone involved he didn’t have a clue. His friend, S#2, took him up the road for a pint and my parents jollied around getting furniture out fo the way – I was obviously preening and pampering as I need AT LEAST an hour for full shower hair and make up sesh!

Everyone had arrived and as always congregated in the kitchen, whilst we waited for my dad to arrive back with the boys. In the worst move in surprise party history, we hadn’t anticipated what to do when he actually walked in. So we ended up just standing there in silence as he walked in, said “What the fuck?!” and then walked round and said hello to everyone. AWKWARD TURTLES ALL ROUND!

The awkwardness aside I ended up having a really good time. Got to spend time with family friends and the BFF (wish you’d come out with up 😦 ) and see my brother genuinely made up that people had bothered to take the time to do this for him. I went out with him, his friends and one of their girlfriends, town was dead and I had a fantastic night. Desperados and Jagerbombs all round….ahem. Hopefully I’ll be able to join them again soon.

This week I have let go. I have eaten and drunk whatever the hell I wanted, not only because it’s my holiday and I’ll do what the bloody hell I like but also because I wanted to see what would happen. I have put on 5 pounds – nearly half of what I had lost. This is gutting, but what I expected.

I will be continuing on Monday, firstly with a goal to lose that 5lbs, but also I would like to have lost 1 stone 9lbs by 17th March..I know that seems a weird figure but it would mean I’m in the next “band” if you will, it’s a goal anyway.

Even though I have been doing this for 5 weeks now, I don’t physically look like I’ve lost that much. I think because I was a stone heavier to begin with than the last time I started a program, hopefully I will now start to see a difference.

Buying size 20s in Primark does not encourage the healthy lifestyle, but buying a top from Miss Selfridge that I wore on Friday was certainly encouraging. This is why I don’t judge my weight loss on clothes fitting me as some of my friends do – one day I’m a 14 the next I’m a 20 – how is that even possible?!

Onwards, to the next stage. Back at work tomorrow. Hopefully with a more positive attitude than when I left a week last Friday 🙂

Zx

Song for today – My Boo, Friends. Getting obsessed with this band, they really remind me of Do Me Bad Things. And this cover version is faboooosh.

Video of the day – In honour of the Superbowl

Requests – Grumpy Bear pleeeeease lets catch up, Patsy another night like last Saturday please (champagne bar and m20? YES!), BFF book a hotel for Amsterdam!!!

Love Love Love – This whole trend (thanks BFFSIL!)

xxx

How I Love My New Book

“We’re constantly changing facts, rewriting history to make things easier, to make them fit in with our preferred version of events. We do it automatically. We invent memories. Without thinking. If we tell ourselves something happened often enough we start to believe it, and then we can actually remember it.”
― S.J. Watson, Before I Go to Sleep

I scare myself sometimes that I can’t remember things. Reading Before I Go To Sleep at the moment and it’s an amazing book. I gasp every time I turn the page. (Well, metaphorically turn the page; in reality I am clicking the button on my Kindle!). It’s scary what the human body is capable of, although I have not finished the book yet it’s very interesting in terms of long term and short term memory.

I am amazing with dates and names. This is useful in my job when I have to know if we have a wedding booked on a certain date, or who is booked on which date. I can say, with a large amount of certainty, whether I will be able to be free on a Saturday in April to go and party (Yes, to the first 2..!). However, my long term memory is shot at. My school life is a blur to me, which is worrying seeing as I spent 13 years (shite, half my life!) in primary and secondary education.

I loved primary school. It was so much fun, I was lucky the school I went to was excellent stood me in good stead for the rest of my education. I would like to think that the reason for my lack of specific memories is because I was young. Every day in my mind was sunny, we got to play on the top field every single lunch time and most of my days were spent doing arts and crafts. In my head anyway.

Secondary school was a different story. I was one of the lucky few who were deemed good enough to attend the nearest grammar school. The only thing I wanted when I was 11 was to be away from the annoying and disgusting boys I had been to primary school with, so off to the all-girls school I went.

Years 7-9 were fine. It was when I turned 15 I began to get restless. Living 20+ miles away from school let alone any potential friends was a nightmare. I am forever thankful to my parents for ferrying me around, but in reality it was just horrible. No one was that bothered about inviting me anywhere as it would mean me having to get a long bus and then stay over which was just hassle all round. Once the reprobates from the boys’ school got involved it was just horrendous, I began to hate my life and was so unhappy I just needed to get out of there.

Part of me regrets leaving the school for 6th form, lord knows that had I stayed my A levels would have been amazing and therefore my university work ethic would have been far better. But leaving to go to a different 6th form with the people who have ended up being my closest friends was the best decision that I have ever made. Academically it was the worst, but going to HGS made me the person I am today. Which some may consider a bad thing, I think it’s pretty awesome really.

The strange thing is I can’t really remember specifics about school life. I can’t remember why I hated it so much – I really enjoyed the academic challenges that were thrown my way and I was able to push my brain to my limits, certainly I miss using my brain now and I know the education I had built the foundations for skills that I have now – but socially, I can’t remember any incidents that made me really unhappy. Have I made this feeling up in my head to make me feel better about my decision to leave? Or have I locked away the horrible memories in order to protect myself from getting upset about them?

I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to this. But I do worry that if I can’t remember things now, what will I be like in 30, 40, 50 years’ time? I hope that I can keep this writing up; hopefully it’ll help jog my memory in years to come!

I know I haven’t written much this week. Mainly because nothing has really happened. My life seems to have ground to a halt; everyone is busy or doesn’t want to do anything. The bad news keeps on coming; everything is crossed and crossed again to hang on for good news. Surely nothing else can go wrong?

I have written off January. Fabulous February is where it’s at. I hope. I hate my girls are spread over the country because I miss them so much it hurts.

Hmm. Bah.

Oh, I definitely recommend this book. It is un-put-downable.

Zx

Get in my life: Mrs B, Grumpy Bear, Reedy, Li’l J, Chindian, Jolls

Loving: Paul Nicholls is in Law and Order now. SWOON!

Crushing on: Simon Cowell circa 1992

Vowing: to book my train tickets this week

Song of the day: Lose Yourself – Eminem (Thank you. You know who you are)